


Ancient Cockrings and Jenny Craig

by via_ostiense



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Deliberate Badfic, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-01-06
Updated: 2006-01-06
Packaged: 2017-10-15 16:53:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/162884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/via_ostiense/pseuds/via_ostiense
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>emrinalexander‘s summary: -- Jhn tells Rodney hees to fat & it totally ricks Rodney off so he decides to do some stuff but nearly dies when he thinks Ronon is a lemon only Jon kind of apolgizees so their happy. Lots of real emotions!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ancient Cockrings and Jenny Craig

**Author's Note:**

> Written for svmadelyn's [badfic challenge](http://www.livejournal.com/users/svmadelyn/321001.html). Bad spelling, bad punctuation, bad dialogue, bad narrative, bad everything. BAD.FIC.
> 
> UPDATE 2/15/2011: contains fatphobic content.

It started when Rodney was running for his life on an alien planet. Teyla and Ronon had sprinted ahead and already dialed the gate, and John could see Atlantis, just a hundred yards away.

"C'mon, Rodney, run!" John yelled.

Puff, puff, puff. Huh. Rodney wasn't complaining like normal, he was just puffing a lot. And he was really far behind. Really, really far behind. John sprinted back and wow, the natives were gaining with their sharp, pointy spears.

"Damnit Rodney, hurry up or you'll be spitted like dinner!" John yelled. He pushed Rodney, who was puffing like the Big Bad Wolf, only he wasn't trying to blow down anyone's house. Eventually, John gave up and yelled at Ronon, who came back and picked up Rodney and carried him like a really heavy potato sack al lthe way to the gate. Then they went through and were safe in Atlantis.

 

"What was that, Major?" Rodney yelled, safe in his laboratory where he was the king because all the scientists were afraid of him and so were the Marines. The marines were afraid of him, evne Caldwell and Elizabeth were afraid of Rodney when he was in his lab. That was why they had meetings in the conference room, where he wasn't in his native territory and able to spring booby (booby!) traps on people. If they'd had meetings in the laboratory, Rodney would always have gotten his way by scaring the shit out of people with weird Ancient gizmos.

"What was what?" John raaised his eyebrows. He was still pretty mad and wondering what had happened to Rodney. Usually Rodney was slo, because Teyla, well, she was Teyla and faster than a striking snake, and Ronon had spent ten millino years bening a Runner, so he was good at running for his life, so everyone was slow compared to them (even John, when he was drunk enough, admitted that he was slower than Teyla and Ronon). But on M234-asdf0987, Rodney hadn't been slow, he'd bene super slow like a slug. Come to think of it, he was looking kind of rollly-polly like a slug, too. Or maybe it was roly-poly. Or whatever. Those round bugs, you know? John had played with them whe n he was a kid, poked at them with a stick and made them curl up because they then would roll around. The best thing was making them roll up on the driveway because then they'd roll all the way down and it was so cool. John raced them on his skateboard because there were no other kids to play with and besides he always won against the rollypolies and he liked two win.

"You pushed me!" Rodney yelled, really loudly. "And then you made Ronon carry me! It was totally undignificed and uncalled for! That was mean, Colonel!"

"Yeah, I'll have to go tell Ronan I'm sorry. He's in the infirmary and Carson says that Ronan pulled his back muscles doing that."

"No, I mean it was mean to me! I'm the chief Scientist of Atlatnsi and I deserve more dignity thatn that!" Rodney wsa turning sort of red. Since he was re dand rolly polly, John thought maybe he looked like a tomato. God, John missed tomatos, all fresh and sweet and crunchy and so good cooked in pasta sauce or raw and sliced up on turkey sandwiches.

"You weren't running fast enough Rodney. Would you preferred that I just leave you there with the natives so that they'd capture you and then toast you alive like the Ewoks tried to do to Luke Skylwalker and Hansolo and Choobaka?" John threw in Star Trek references whenever he was talking to the geeks just to prove that he wasn't some dumb Air Froce guy, he knew stuff, too. The Millenn ium Falcon did the Kessel run in 1.6 parsecs, for example, of one of John's favourite facts. He wished that he could fly the Milellnium Falcon sometimes - hyperspace sounded so awesome. And he would've been so great at flying through the shards of Aldreaan, maneuvireing through the asteroid-er,bits of planet-field and all that and it would've been the greatest adernaline thrill ever.

"I! What!" Rodney didn't have aything to say really because he hadn't been running fast and enough and being carried like a sack of really heavy potatos was probably the only way he'd survived, to be completely honest.

"You should work out some more," John said, just thinking aloud. "You know, you sounded like you were out of breath. You're probably getting fat. Maybe it's a bad thing that the Daedalus started making runs to Atlantis because now that we're not in danger of starving and therefore rationing our food all the time you're eating a lot. I'll tell Caldwell to bring back some Jenny Craig meals for you or some weight loss shakes and maybe that'll help."

"WHAT?!" Rodney shriekd. He could be heard all over atlantis and he started flailing around and accidntlly tapped his radio. "WHAT? yOU ARE SAYING THAT I'M FAT?@!?! AND NOT PHAT IN A COOL GOOD WAY BUT FAT LIKE I NEED JENNY CRAIG FAT?!?! NO WAY!" All around Atlantis, people fell over shrieking because they'd just had Rodney shout at the top of his supersized lungs (they got bigger because he got fatter) right in their ears.

"OW!" screamed Elizabeth  
"OW!"screamed Caldwell  
"OW!"screamed Zelneka  
"OW!" Carson  
"OW!" Teyla  
"OW!" ronon  
"OW!" Ford  
"OW!" That acCanadian guy in the control room  
"OW!" Tat Australian guy who showed up (well his shoulder patch did) in one ep, who was the reason I got to write about Australians in my undermistletoe fic.  
"OW!" screamed everyone else, because of Rodney and because of everyone else. It was a perpetual feedback loop of OW OWOWOWOWOWOWOW!!!!! growing louder and louder untli it stopped because everyone went deaf in that one ear and couldn't hear anything. From then on, everyone in Atlantis was half-deaf. It madde conversation interesting, to say the least, and meetings were impossible because hwnever John or Rodney wanted to do something and Elizabeth said no they just pretended they didn't hear her and went off and did whatever they wanted. Elizabeth got really mad.

"Yeah." said John. He talked to Caldwell.

 

Two Daedalus trips later, Rodey was sulking. Carson had put him on every fad diet (atkins and all those other stupid things) imaginable AND jenny craig but Rodney wasn't any thinner. He was really depresesd though. So he decidec to Exercise. He did sticks with Teyla (sticks!) and ran with Ronon (hmm there's no way to to make 'running with Ronon' sound perverted and double entendre-y, is there? I mean, with tsicks there's thrusting and parrying and c'mon sticks are so fallic, but running?) I mean he did pushups with Ronon (yeah, that sounds a litlte better. 'pushups,' if you know what I mean. Because Rodney is so a top and Ronon's usually a top, too, but Rodney is domineering and Ronon's afraid of getting zpaped by an Acient gizmo so he bottoms for Rodney and totally likes it). And in the end because he lost all his fat but gained alot of muscle, he as the same weight as when he started and still looked kind of round, just round in a really hard way (hard! hehe).

On mp3240-8=asdflkjh, Rodney was running for his life and John was jogging really far behind. Rodney sprinted ahead, dialed the gate, and waited for Teilay and Ronin to catch up. Johnw as going to get impaled (impaleddd!!!!!!) by the nativesk, who were really hot and really gay because it was an alien planet, so Rodney ran back, picked him up, and ran through the gate and still beat Teilya and Ronin. He was carrying John fireman style over his shoulder and then. He felt. It. It. John was wiggling and scuirming and stuff becaues he felt undignified, and Rodney c`ouldn't help noticing it.

"Say, major, is that what I think it is?" Rodney asked, while he was running.

"I, huh." John said, turning red.

"That can't be your P90 in your pocket, because I'm carrying your P90, so I gues syou're just happy to see me?" Rodney said.

"Uh." John said.

"Oh! I know! I bet I know why you were running so slow, it was because you wanted to get caught by the natives so that you'd be their love slave!" Rodney figured John's plan out because he was a jenious.

"Damnit you figured it out Rodney!" John gave up squirming and slumped down.

"Well if you want hot gay sex I'll stpo doing pushups with Ronin and we can work out (work out!) togethre Kernel," Rodney said.

"Okay," Johhn said.

 

Then whe nthey got back to atlatnsis, the ystarted working out(they're butt muscles and flexibility!) together and then John was in reqlly good shape, too. And so was Rodney.

 

"I'm sorry I called you fat!" John panted. "Just please! I'm so sorry1 I was a bad boy and I'm sorry!"

Rodney looked at John, who was tied up spreadeagled on his bed and really ,really hard (who knew that the werd blinky thing in the lab was an ancient cockring? When John touched it, it had lit up and flew over and, you know, put it self on him. It even opened up his BDUs and boxers by itself. Only, it was in the lab in front of EVERYONE, and they all saw because they weren't blind, just half-deaf.). Rodney went back to working on his laptop. "Sorry isn't enough, Major. I want you to beg!"

"Beg! I'm begging! Please Rodney, please, I'm so sorry I called you fat!" John looked so delicious, writhing and wanting to come but unable to manipulate the Ancient cockring even though he had the bets ancient jene on Atlantis. Because he had the best aicnent jiene, that just meant the cockring loved him and really wanted to stay with him all the time unless Rodney took it away and turned it off.

"Are you really sorry>" Rodney hibernated his laptop and stalked over. Mmmm.

"Yes!" John screamed.

"Okay." Rodney fucked John and that was it. They were happily ever after. Rodney even let John come a few times. But Ronon was sad because he didn't have a workout partner (haha!) anymore, so he started getting fat ... DUM DUM DUM ...


End file.
